i am a victim of GRACE

Definition: Beauty.

2010-07-03T23:12:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

What is Beauty?

We stretch and swell like wood through the seasons as we ponder and wonder upon this common ground. Growing older, it is our unconscious drive and desire... As women of the human race, we cannot help but hope, believe, dream, and seek to be beautiful. In our culture- the presumption is that "beauty" is desirable... it attracts men... and this ultimately leads to the romance that we so hunger for. However, what is beauty? Is it an attribute worth fighting for?

It was a few days ago I asked several people that I know well to honestly tell me if I am beautiful. I would word the question simply to allow for interpretation... "Do you think I am beautiful?" With no underlying motives, but just in the search of truth. Out of the 7 people that I inquired on the subject, the general consensus was that I am woman of average looks. One person even mentioned that if he didn't know me personally, and walked into a room of women with me in it, I would most likely be in the lower 25% of his interest. One person acknowledged my individual traits and how if adjusted just slightly, I could possibly be more attractive... Later summarizing that I have the potential to be beautiful. Another guy indicated that while I am plain, I am attractive when I smile... Interesting. (Hey, I asked for honesty!) While this may seem brutal, I found it all rather comical. This was hardly a surprise to me, yet it was not degrading at all! However, the responses of those I asked interested me in a different way. I realized the way in which I destinguish beauty is quite different than that of my interviewees. You see, their response held their definition of the word beauty.

7 out of 7 responses left me realizing how much of a need there is to gain insight and perspective on "beauty." We have begun to interchange and mingle the word beauty with a perverted image of it. Beauty is more than something reflected upon the surface level. Aristotle believed that there was no absolute beauty, but that it was based upon perception. I tend to agree more with this view than with the Greeks who have influenced the western thought on beauty today. They perceived beauty as interchangeable with excellence, perfection, and satisfaction. Beauty has become defined by the individual response to an object or person. It is all about images, and whether they are pleasing to our cultural lenses.

Who are we to determine beauty by the exterior? What of the heart? I believe there is a facet of beauty that can only be determined by intimate relationship and understanding of one's heart, passions, words, and deeds. A painter can paint the most captivating piece of the century from skin that the world deems "plain."

Beauty can be seen by outward expression. .... by an evident display of compassion... by concern for others... by LOVE. True beauty can be shown by the way we treat one another... the way we foster love.

In 1 Samuel 16:7 it says:

"The Lord doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."

-who are we to judge beauty?

Personally I choose to remember beauty in the context of Proverbs 31:30:

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised."

-What is lasting beauty?

Rewind....

So I found the responses to my question quite comical and rather relieving. I find myself rather lucky to be plain! To me this gives more of an opportunity for those I encounter to experience true beauty... Jesus in me is far more captivating that I can ever be. For it is my heart to show him and his love in my passions, words, and deeds. Not only for myself, but I hope to encourage other women in how beautiful they are. To remind them of why they are unique in their beauty. And one thing I know, is when you start striving to see this TRUE beauty in others-- this is when we see just how captivating those around us are.

So friends, it is today that I encourage you to re-think your cliche and culturally infected view of beauty. We are defined by what captivates us.

Cheers,

-t.

Back from Tanzania... A new chapter

2010-07-03T20:59:00.000-07:00

I have returned. And honestly I have been back for a couple of weeks now. I have been battling with this idea of attempting to sum up this trip into words, and I have come to the conclusion that it is simply impossible.

I am the kind of person that has severe difficulty with putting such emotional experiences into words.

What I can say is this.

My world... is changed.

The people taught me true hospitality.

God taught me to trust him ... going before me to prepare the way in a manner that was almost tangible. In just a month, he used me. Something I doubted to possible before.

There are so many stories that I look back upon in unbelief, but in faith as I know they are truth.

Many of you are probably wondering what I was doing in my time in Kigoma. My main focus was upon individual house visits with the youth... Praying for their individual needs. The spirit guided us from home to home, and things happened. I also worked at Joy in the Harvest's feeding center where hundreds of street people are fed every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. And I visited the local orphanage, and the destitute camp.

What happened through and in me while I was there is absolutely irreplaceable, and will be remembered for a lifetime. God has spoken dreams and hope into my heart and I will never be the same. Confirmation. confirmation. confirmation!

Thank you friends and family for all of your prayers and support. I would not have been able to make it without you all. If you would like to hear more stories, or grab coffee, please let me know! I would love to tell those who are interested more stories face to face.

Praise God, for he is truly everywhere.

till soon,

-t.

Update!

2010-05-21T12:54:00.001-07:00

Karibu!

(I tried to upload an image, but internet over here is kind of in and out, so those will have to wait!)

I finally reached Kigoma, Tanzania about a week ago. This place is extremely beautiful and I am so beyond blessed to have been given the opportunity to shadow the missionaries here. I wish there was more to say, but at this point the stories are so intimate and personal, I would rather tell the stories face to face with you. Close friends and family, if you would like to skype while I am here, please let me know! I would love to tell you more about what has been going on and what I have been involved in. Otherwise, please send me an email, and I would gladly answer any questions you may have about the trip so far.

Some things to note:

Kigoma is absolutely beautiful, and the people are so kind and welcoming. Their smiles warm my heart, and their pains are truly heart renching. They have definitely already taught me a lot about what hospitality really is, and how to serve whole heartedly to those around you.

I have been here a week and I have already shared my testimony, led a devotional, guest taught a class, and I will be preaching at youth group on Sunday. I will be preaching on Mark 8:34-37. I really prayed about giving a word to the youth, and this is what came out, so I am really excited about it! Please be praying that I will speak only the words that the Lord desires I speak, and that it will be a blessing and an encouragement to the youth.

I have many more prayer requests, but again I would like to give them on a more personal basis. If you would like to pray more specifically for me, please send me an email at tessa_renae@yahoo.com, and I will gladly let you know what it is I would like prayer for!

The missionaries are incredible. Their stories, hearts and lives encourage me so much, and I am so honored that they have taken me on as an intern.

Well that is all for now! I love you all! Bwana Asifiwe! (Praise the Lord!) Amen.

Leavin on a jet plane....

2010-05-10T10:43:00.001-07:00

so...

today is the day I have been anticipating.

...so excited.

Please be praying for me as I embark on this journey.

Lord knows I am a bumbling fool and will need it for sure.

Thank you everyone.

For your prayers.

For your support.

For your encouragement!

6 hours till take off and counting.

Good bye my friends.

till soon.

-t.

God provides

2010-05-07T22:14:00.000-07:00

hello friends and family and random folk that come across my random blog thoughts.

hello.

Right now I sit here in a complete stupor and amazement of God's provision.

As you may know, I leave in less than 3 days for Kigoma, Tanzania where I will be serving with an incredible mission called Joy in the harvest.

I am beyond excited, stoked, ecstatic or otherwise some elevated temperament.

Well. Since I found out the cost of the trip, I prayed about the number that I should aim for. It was well over what I needed, but intending to give the remainder back to the organization that I will be serving. However, the last month, I was feeling very discouraged, and decided to aim for only the cost of the trip beyond what I could pay for myself. This morning I was still a little bit short, but knew that it would all buff out in the end and either way I would be going anyway!

Well, this evening I am pleased to say that somehow money has come in, from someone I don't even know, and I am at the EXACT number that I had originally been aiming for! Well over the cost of the trip, and a sizable contribution to be given to the organization I will be serving.

I sit here BAFFLED. So blown away by the way our God provides.

Thank you all for your prayers, contributions and encouragement! in about two days, HERE I COME JOY IN THE HARVEST! I will finally be meeting the Wertz's in person, flying overseas, and experiencing an incredible journey with God.

I will have internet there, and I hope to keep you updated as much as I can. Please comment with your email if you would like for me to keep you on the list! other wise I will be posting on here, facebook, and my facebook page.

thank you thank you thank you thank you all for your help! We all know I am a bumbling fool, and I couldn't have made it this far without you all!

-t.

This and that, here and there.

2010-05-04T01:04:00.000-07:00

i have come to a sudden realization. An epiphany really.

all of my life, my stomach has made abnormally loud noises.

NOW.

I know what you are thinking, sure sure. Maybe a digestive problem.

NO. none of the sort.

'Tis not upset. 'Tis completely normal.

In fact. My eldest sister has told me that when we were young tots that she would listen to my stomach for entertainment purposes.

True story.

so there you have it. my stomach is practically music theater.

in other news...

I leave for Africa in 6 days.

Oh my lands.

My dear friend matthew still resides in the hospital, but is making HUGE progress! :]

Also...

I can't help but wonder why I am still awake.

Enlightenment? not so much

My plan is to write a complaint to the big guys. Yup. Here is my first draft. Check it.

Tessa Ratner

1:30 AM Sleepless Night

Tired, ZZ 12345

Dear Mr. Sandman,

Hello. My name is Tessa and I write to you today with the intent of complaining ever so politely about what is noted to be quite the entitlement of most of mankind. I believe you of all should be able to comprehend what it is that I am requesting. It is generally at this time, within my timezone, that most others breath contentedly in their night time sighs, wrapped in their plethora of enticing blankets, dreaming ever so pleasantly in their mindless stupor. It is this very stupor that I am politely begging you for, as my eye lids seem to contest my slightest attempt to close them.

It is in this predicament that I have been reminded countlessly that you, sir, Mr. Sandman, are said to be of assistance. I am unsure of the chemistry and science of what you do, sir. However, I insist that you make haste. While my eye lids may not be in agreement, my body sure does believe that it has come to that time in which it would like to "hit the hay" as some people say... So I might ask, where are you? I daresay, that I truly doubt that in your line of work there could be such thing as a "technical difficulty." I am truly disappointed in your services.

To resolve the problem I would appreciate immediate action to be taken in order to ensure a full night's sleep. I will be expecting your immediate arrival and service. Call me high maintenance, but I do believe this has gone on long enough, thank you kindly.

Oh, and by the way, I do believe a nice dream or two would make up for your severely terrible previous lack service.

Sincerely,

Tessa Ratner

Disgruntled Sleeptalker

whatcha think?

Methinks there will be a quick response... Or Mr. Sandman might just have to face getting sacked, or sandbagged...

Cheers!

-t.

My feet are cold.

2010-03-14T17:08:00.000-07:00

That is right. Cold feet. but guess what? I like to take pictures.

The last few days have been really long and tiring, but I know one thing for sure, and that is that I am stoked about today, and tomorrow, and the next day after that. Woooo what a time it is.

Susanville can be beautiful

2010-03-11T21:55:00.001-08:00

I recently went on a short trip to my hometown: Susanville. I realized on this trip that I had grown up in a really beautiful place.

tess the mess

2010-03-11T09:54:00.000-08:00

Tremendous expectations. I never thought that expectation would meet reality, yet here I am sitting in awe of the day that have begun to dance before my eyes... almost in a teasing manner, shouting, "I told you so." It's as if every year before the three months of this one have only been practice for what is to come. However, these three months have indeed taken me for a ride that has only begun.

First, I will be going to Kigoma, Tanzania in May for my internship with an amazing little mission called Joy in the Harvest. I have to say my heart is pounding at the prospect of such an adventure, as it will be for sure. But I couldn't be more excited for such a growing season and learning experience. The missionaries that I will be interning with are absolutely incredible, and I cannot wait to meet them in person. They have been nothing but encouraging and helpful. Such a blessing when I am so on edge and ready to plunge into this! Oh ya, and I need to raise $3000! Yikes.

Second, I am learning to play the piano! I have wanted to for years, and my old co-worker Bree is a great teacher and so helpful! I will let you know when I start playing songs more worthy of attention than my current, a tisket a tasket. :)

Third, if all goes according to plan, I will be graduating Simpson in the fall. A place that has been an incredible milestone in my life and quite the growing experience. Where to next? NO IDEA. Oh, Jesus be with me.

Forth, I am in a play! I am playing three supporting roles in a play called "John: his story" and it is incredible. Something I have always wanted to do, and always seemed to have a natural talent in. woot!

Fifth, "here is a thing called LOVE" will be showed at my church's art, music and film festival, Erase the Dark. Kind of exciting. Also, new film ideas are brewing... all of which are stop motion of course.

Sixth, (wow i have more points than I thought...) my painting Psalm 25 is being featured at the morning service of my church for the current series "Living God's Dreams" (listen to the podcasts... good stuff) pretty awesome! :)

So, yes. I am tess the mess currently, as I am juggling quite a pile of craziness. Not to mention at my job, there is a huge visitation weekend starting off tomorrow.... Anyway, how is everyone doing? Is there anyway that I can be praying for you? :)

Sun in the midst of Rain

2010-02-25T14:41:00.000-08:00

It is funny how the weather can affect our temperament at such levels as this, but how other contributing factors can make even the most gray and hazy of days a pleasant joyride. If you live in Northern California, you understand the weather that I am speaking of. The overcast skies for weeks on end, with a lover's tease of sunshine for a few days. However, I must say I am rather content either way.

The last few weeks have been a downpour of emotion and a roller coaster of sorts. But if there is one thing that has been duly noted, it has been that God is so extremely faithful. What is even more hilarious in the situation that I have found myself in, is that it is when I finally anchored in on what I was sure would be the next swaggering step along this journey I am on, when I had considered my plans as truth, that I am presented with another element that completely takes me by surprise.

But it is God's faithfulness, because He is there even when you think He is not. "where are you?" he says, when he knows where we are hidden. He just desires to love us, and to give us the desires of our hearts. Not the shallow and worldly desires that we so often get stuck on, but the deep desires of our hearts. And oh how I love God's humor... How he always gently pushes us randomly in the direction that He has designed for us. Definitely not what I was expecting.... right now! But what a pleasant surprise. :)

lately...

2010-01-18T11:33:00.000-08:00

rain always brings back this nostalgic longing of my childhood, but today it is different.

the rain reminds me of now, and here. lately, the rain brings me back to where i sit today.

I watch the drops intermingling upon the glass window and it reminds me of myself.

So many of the rain drops remain still as if relying upon what they already know, or trying to figure out where they came from... the big hazy blue sky that seems so engulfing from below... and the path ahead seems so difficult, what will be the next step?

but it is the rain drop that leaves a trail, that continues in its foreshadowed path enticed by gravity, that leaves a mark upon the window, that intermingles with other rain drops...

So many times we get overwhelmed by the past... engulfed in where we came from and what it means, that we forget about the now. So many times we get discouraged about the future, and what comes next. But instead of either of those, i dare myself and you to think about now. what can we do TODAY to truly live out the call of Christ. Lately, i have had a lot of food for thought. Today, its been rain....

I will fall anywhere but down.

2009-11-13T14:24:00.000-08:00

My thoughts cascade through my mind tonight in a down pour it seems. The thoughts populate my mind like rain drops that crowd and gather upon my skin during a heavy storm. I have been been blessed with the over analytical processes' of the woman mind. Oh, joy be onto me.

I have my window ajar on purpose tonight. I can burrow under my plethora of warm feathery covers, yet still feel the breeze, which teases my hair and gently cools my face. Worth dancing to, I think. But these covers are far too enticing.

Sleep evades me, which doesn't much make sense since the lack of it I have experienced this past week. Anticipation and expectation can be to blame, since I can't help but wonder.

I just heard a horse whinny in the short distance. This is why I love where I live.

I am not positive as to why I write tonight, but I have realized sometimes it is just better to lay it all out.

List of what is crossing my mind:

God. Wow he is moving. Isn't it incredible? How is God moving in your lives?

Athens? I sure hope so. Prayer? I sure hope so.

Thanksgiving and Christmas might be the most stressful part of the year. Why? Oh family. <3>
Photography? Art? What am I doing!?

Exposure... date. DUMB. period.

Yup. I won't deny what I am thinking. Man I am lame... Girls, you know what I am sayin.

Clean Slate.

2009-10-25T22:59:00.000-07:00

I am starting on a clean slate. Too much has changed for me to fully update.

Sometimes I feel confined in the endless corners of my mind, and I guess, at times it is good to express what progresses in those corners...

I have been growing. A lot. God has been calling me out on a ton... and I have never been so fully aware of how much growing I have to do.

He will wake me up in the middle of the night. Wide awake! Sometimes he wakes me really early, to see the sun rise. Again and again, I have been reminded and bombarded with His love. His overwhelming and abounding love....

Tonight at the Stirring, Travis spoke about singleness, and I realized that I have never been so at peace to just be single. I am so content! But it takes a choice. I have to wake everyday and remind myself that my singleness is a gift, and Travis reminded me of this tonight.

I don't really know what the point of this post is, but I am desperate for God. I am not desperate for any man, or any validation of man, but rather a deeper and more meaningful relationship with God. Each day I am becoming more of what God wants me to be, and sure I stumble, but only into a vast sea of His grace.

Let us be reminded! Let us remember, that it is not happiness, or worldly fulfillment that we desire! But rather a deep and meaningful joy and contentment with our Lord.